A little update

Has it really been almost a year since I last wrote something here?

Briefly, we spent last Christmas in the US with family in New York, Kansas and Colorado. We also went to D.C. (my first time there, believe it or not) for a conference. After that we came back home for a couple of weeks, then started work again.
I've really been enjoying my job. I can't remember if I've written about it or not. At first I decided I wouldn't because it was all new and I didn't know whether it would be appropriate. I think I've figured that out, and if I have time, I'll write more about my work later. It's been a fun and very exciting experiment - one I look forward to continuing.
The house is all but done, and we're enjoying living in it. We're going to replace quite a few windows and do a couple of other things to make it more energy effecient soon, but there's nothing that HAS to be done.
We've had quite a few visitors over the last year, and are looking forward to seeing more (including Rachael!) next year.
I started going to the gym again a couple of months ago. I hadn't realised how much I missed that - I hadn't really worked out since I moved here (well, I mean other than the noraml everyday biking and walking.).
I also discovered Facepage and have found a few old friends. I'm still looking for some, though. Anyone know where these people are? Cyndy Robertson, Jim Eldert from Santa Cruz, Sonrisa (who knows what her last name is now?) or any of the other people who lived on boats moored in the Monterey Bay harbor circa 1979-82? Anyone who used to work at Casa Maria or Tillie Gorts? Allen Posey from SF? I know there are others ... I remember reading that if you list the people you're looking for on a web page, when they google themselves, they might see it. So, there you go.
More recently, I've been sick for the past 2 weeks. It started as the flu, then turned into pneumonia. Nothing serious or painful, it's just worn me out enough that I can't go far from bed for awhile. As odd as this sound, I feel relatively strong for having pneumonia.
More than anything, I'm just bored. (Hence, this post, I suppose.) And my back hurts from being in bed for waaaayyyyy too long. I think I'm on the mend though.
I'm going to try to write a bit more. I've missed it.
After I get done with grading exams papers, we're going to Prague for a week. My camera has all but died - it still takes pictures, but the view screen doesn't show anything. As a result, the pictures are completely hit and miss. I'm going to think about whether I need another one before the trip or whether I'll wait awhile. The trip is pure vacation for me. Ian's been asked to speak at a conference there, then teach for a week, so he'll stay longer than me.
I need to come home, though because I have Dutch lessons starting up again. I'm going to try a program in Amsterdam this time. My Dutch is improving all the time, but I'm still not speaking as much as I should. I guess I'm just shy that way...

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How we met

Although I wasn't laughing at the time, I now have to chuckle when I think about Ian and me flying into the U.S. (Chicago?) together last year. The flight was long and we were tired, yet we had to pick up our luggage and go through customs before continuing on to Kansas City.

As we took our luggage to the customs area, a security officer asked us if we were traveling together.
We said yes, we were.
He asked us how we knew each other.
Ian said, "He's my boyfriend."

I had to laugh. As they led us off to be searched, I reminded Ian that what he was supposed to say to U.S. officials was, "We met teaching law." That might have prevented the search.

It is true, of course, that we met teaching law. Well, kind of. We actually met a month or two before we taught law together in London.

Here's the scoop: A former law prof of mine (Nancy) had met Ian at a conference in Italy. She invited Ian back to the U.S. to work on putting a course together for Washburn's summer comparative law program in London. She asked me come to Topeka to help put together the text for the program - and she also wanted us to meet. She swears there was no ulterior motive, though, and I believe her.

So, I took time off work to go help Nancy.
Ian and I met and hit it off immediately. We didn't discuss the attraction we felt, though. It didn't feel right to talk about it, given that we were in a professional setting.

I made a couple of trips to Topeka to work while he was there, but I probably went more than I needed to because I enjoyed spending time with him. I made one trip specifically because he emailed me and asked me to help him pick out a thank you present for Nancy, since I knew her better than he did. He now tells me that was just an excuse to get me up there once more before he left.

Finally, he left for home,

but first he spent a week in New York.

While he was there, he sent me an email:

Hi Scott,

I REALLY enjoyed our time together. . . I would have come forward and told you beforehand but the thing is that I'm still quite British. Even though I have been Europeanised my inability to talk about my deepest feelings to non-family members or boyfriends is something still deep rooted in my character. Well, i think it's only fair, right and proper that I tell you that I really liked you on more than just one level.

As I said, I'm sorry that this all came through e-mail and I wish I had said this in Kansas, but I didn't want to spoil what had been a fantastic trip and didn't want to "sour" the moment. I hope you understand what I mean.

All my best wishes,

Ian

So, that's how it started.
We didn't actually have our first date until we were in London, teaching together at the Washburn Law School summer study program. From the time Ian sent the above email, though, we started conversing via email and phone calls. We knew each other pretty well by the time we finally saw each other again in London. On that thrip, we went to Liverpool and I was able to meet Ian's parents and his sister,
Pamela

We were even able to make a quick sidetrip to Blackpool, where a store tried to lure me in by letting me know...

I was perfectly content with mine, though, so I didn't think twice about stopping in to see what theirs were like.

After we met in London, we met on an almost monthly basis. Either Ian came to the U.S., I went to Europe, or we met somewhere else (Toronto or


San Francisco).

We usually spent at least 10 days together on these trips, although we spent about a month together over Christmas last year. During that trip, we did a Native American sweat in Wichita,


then went to Rochester N.Y. to introduce Ian to my brother, his wife and their daughter Cameron,


to Plattsburg, N.Y. to Natalie and Gary's wedding,



then to Colorado Springs


so Ian could meet my brother and sister.

By the end of that trip, we realised that not only did we want to live together, it would be easier and probably cheaper. It seemed like the times we were apart were spent counting down the days until we were together again.

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What are they thinking in Kansas?

Enough about Europe for a few minutes... Now this from a list serve that keeps its finger on the pulse of Kansas.

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Everyone I know here is very freaked out about the election, but I haven’t heard much from gay folk in the Kansas. What IS going on? Is no one nervous yet?

Scott
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I think most GLBT folks are trying to recover from the shock of the Marriage Amendments passing in all 11 states. I heard that Louisiana's amendment has been ruled unconstitutional by their supreme court, so maybe there will be an effort to do the same in the states in which they passed. I was really surprised by Oregon. I thought we would be successful there.

My cousin sent me an email this morning saying that 55,000 applications have been received by Canada (95% of which were form US citizens) seeking immigration permits this past week. I know that is what I intend to do. I am even willing to marry a woman, if it means I could get EU citizenship. I plan on putting my house on the market shortly and get ready to divest myself of a lot of the material possessions I have. Then head back to Europe and start life anew. I have no intention of returning to the US to live ever again.

Christopher
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Thanks for the article, Christopher. My situation was a little different from the one you're facing. When Ian and I decided it was time to live together, we looked at both countries. We decided to live here (not the US) based on the ease with which we can live as a couple here. If I were single, I don't know if I would have left the U.S. Although I had to fight, I think I was too comfortable to escape the inertia on my own.

Anyway, while surfing for info about what's going on in the U.S., I ran across some links that might interest you and others. Here's one to "Electing to leave: A reader’s guide to expatriating..." , Originally from Harper's Magazine, October 2004.
Electing to Leave (Harpers.org)

And although I don't endorse this next option, it appears that this is maybe a way around the problems posed above for those who really want to leave the U.S. . .
Marry An American - Homepage - No good American will be left behind!

The immigration process to The Netherlands has not been free of stress, but now that it's done and I'm a legal resident I've got to say that it was not that bad. I can say, through personal experience, that if you happen to fall in love with an EU citizen who resides in The Netherlands, you should be able to obtain resident status through theirs, regardless of the gender of either party.

Scott
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I don't have a problem with those people who chose to leave the United States; everyone must make their own choices and do what they believe is best for themselves and their families, but I would like to express my own opinion, which is contrary.

The United States is MY country. I love the principles on which she was founded, and the highest principles that she has sadly failed to live up to lately. But I will believe in her and defend her. I will not be run out of my home by anyone, and I will continue to speak out and resist and stand up for my rights by all peaceful means as long as those means are still available, and if necessary by other means should we continue to descend to such a horrifying point. I would rather be in the resistance then be a refugee.

I know not everyone feels this way, but since we are discussing various reactions to Tuesday's events, I wanted to share my own.

Be kind to yourselves, everyone...

-Mike
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Hi Scott and All,

I can't speak for all of Kansas, but here in Lawrence, we are a pretty sad group. Based on what was said at our women's First Friday potluck as well as the First Thursday NetworQ meeting, people are in shock that SO MANY folks voted for Bush. Everyone seems to be struggling for a way to reconcile what actually happened with the fact that we must move on. What can we tell ourselves or think that will help us feel better? Saying that 4 years isn't THAT long doesn't seem to help. Given this administration, 4 more years of Bush will take years to correct.

On a good note, Douglas County (Lawrence) and Wyandotte counties went for Kerry. Here in Lawrence, every Republican got the boot on the local level. Only one Republican got voted into the House. And of course, we voted in Dennis Moore, the lone Democrat to the Congress.

Another thing I've noticed is that people are either jubilant that Bush won or extremely depressed that Kerry lost. So, it doesn't seem like you see a lot of Democrats and Republicans talking to each other about the election, especially if they want to maintain the friendship.

I have decided not to watch the news or listen to NPR until Monday. I decided I couldn't bear the thoughts of seeing Bush's smug look or hearing people talk about a "win for morality" (that turns my stomach).

My brother read that, since the election, immigration inquiries to Canada have tripled. I guess we are not alone . . .

Whatever we are feeling now, we need to channel it into something useful. In particular, we need to be ready to take on the anti-gay legislation when it hits in January. We need to educate people and we need to think of some thoughtful ads to put into the newspaper (in my opinion). At the very least, we should continue to read Letters to the Editor in our local newspapers and respond to anti-gay letters. We need to figure out a thoughtful way to frame certain issues so that these people will understand what we are trying to say.

How to do this is beyond me right now because I am so filled with despair. But, when I think that the entire state of Kansas might be given the opportunity to vote on whether or not my partner and I can enjoy basic civil rights, I get angry. I don't know about you all, but I have a high regard for myself and I feel like I contribute more to Kansas than probably 98% of the Kansans who live here. How dare these people subject my relationship with my partner to a vote that amounts to little more than a popularity contest? HOW DARE THEY?

If this really really really pisses you off, then I suspect you are in good company. Let's get louder and speak with intelligence while we do it. Let's also get our straight friends and compassionate clergy to help us. Let's network and inform. Let's try not to bicker amongst ourselves.

Stay in touch,

deb
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Deb, thanks for the comments. It helps me understand. I think my despair and anger would probably echo yours if I were there. My anger is still alive, but my daily despair is not so much an issue here. It helps being surrounded by people who care as much about who I sleep with as they do the color of my shirt. Ultimately, I think your approach is one that will work.

Mike, my first waking thoughts this morning, before I read Deb's post, were about the one you sent. I appreciate it, and have frequently mirrored your position throughout my life. I know that you have fought, and I appreciate that you have the strength and will to continue. And I most humbly thank you for your courage.

When I was deciding whether to leave the country, MY country, I had quite a few conversations with myself. I also frequently talked with others whose opinions I have respected throughout my life. At first, it all seemed to boil down to this ethical dilemma: Do we have a responsibility to fight our entire lives or, if the opportunity presents itself, is there a time when we can rest and enjoy this life?

I agree with Christopher, that we seemed to have entered into an era eerily reminiscent of Reagan and 1980. A bit worse, even. Back then (and before) I was in Northern California. And fighting. Then I moved to Kansas. And fought. The difference between the fights was that in California it seemed as though everyone I knew fought together, and the enemy was Anita Bryant and those like her who tried to convince others we were immoral, which made us sub-human and therefore not worthy of basic human rights. In Kansas, on the other hand, it seemed as though most of the activists I know fought alone and "activists" were not embraced by the lesbian/gay community. Far from it, they were seen as the enemy that brought on the wrath religious right.

So I think there are really two important fights going on. And the one that is arguably more important is the one that is going on within our own community. Until we heal ourselves, how can we heal our tormenters? But how can we heal ourselves when we are being tormented? It's a vicious circle I was never able to cut through.

But back to the point of this post. I can't speak for any of the many others who have either moved or backed out of the fights, both public and private, but at what point does one finally have the right to just . . . leave? Does one ever have that right? Is it a right? Some corollary questions I asked myself were: Why did our ancestors move to the US? Why did they not stay in the countries that (I assume) made moving across an ocean seem better than staying where they were? Should they have stayed where they were? Did they have a moral obligation to stay where they were simply because it's where they were? Do, or should, their actions, mistakes and/or successes influence mine?

Along with that train of thought, factor that, as with most of you still there and still fighting, I received death threats in the mail and by phone right up until the week I moved. And as with most of you, they had gone on sol long that I did not think much about them. After all, no one ever killed me. Hell, I never even got beat up. Still, the threat was there. (As I'm writing this, I suddenly realize that for the first time in over 20 years, I am no longer being threatened. And I've got to say that although I didn't think about them much while I was there, I don't miss the threats one little bit.)

Anyway, I went round and round with all of that. And I still don't know the answer to the dilemma, and I mostly agree with Mike that everyone must do for themselves what they think is right. For me, I don't think anyone in this day and age should have to die or live in fear of death when there is another option available. So that influenced my decision. But more, I strongly believe that that two people in love deserve an environment that respects love. I didn't want Ian to have to deal with people who hate him and might have hurt him simply because he loved me. In the end, that was what Kansas had to offer us, and once I figured that our, it solved the ethical dilemma for me.

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The first day

I still had a little packing to do, so I got up pretty early this morning. It's pretty darn quiet with no animals around. I finished packing, then started doing some yoga, and about 20 minutes into it Laura and Keith came by. I'm thinking it was around 5 in the morning at that point. They brought coffee, so we had some, I showed Laura some last minutes things to do to help me out and before you knew it Pat was there to take me to the airport.

I took a last look around the house and it started to sink in that I was really leaving. I was hit by a flood of memories as I looked around. There, right there next to the bed and under the window, was the place that 12 years earlier Dizzy had been born. I remembered calling Natalie and seeing her a few minutes later watching, horrified, as Rup experienced the uncomfortable and bloody "miracle of birth". The memories of how the bedroom used to be two rooms and all of the other changes I'd made to the house came back as I walked from room to room. And everywhere were memories of Doug - how excited he was looking out the back windows at what was to become our garden. Him covered with grime and smiling after tearing out the ceiling in the kitchen. Him laughing at the top of his lungs at something that unexpectedly struck him as funny. Him sick in bed looking so helpless. And finally, the private memorial I had for him in our house that was filled with flowers and his spirit, after his mother said she would prefer if I didn't go to his funeral. I hadn't expected my last memories in the house would be of Doug, but of course it's right that they were. So much of my life there was tied to his.

After choked up goodbyes to Laura and Keith, Pat and I made our way to the airport with my luggage. I had two large checked bags and two carry ons. Not bad for a move from a completely filled house in Wichita to a flat in The Netherlands.

Unfortunately, I discovered once I got to the check-in counter that my largest bag was 25 lbs. overweight. (Never mind that everyone in the check in line weighed at least 25 lbs. more than me...) Turns out United now charges $380.00 for every over weight bag for flights leaving from Wichita! They said it was too discourage flyers from going over the normal weight limit. No duh, it works. Luckily Pat was at the counter with me, so we opened up the overweight bag and I started taking stuff out and throwing it onto the floor. She scooped it up and after a couple of trips to her car in short term parking, my bag was ready to go.

The flight was relatively uneventful, although I prefer my overseas flights not to be filled with high school glee clubs on their way to Europe for the first time. But that's another story...

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